


It Would Be Nice If Loving You Didn't Hurt

by fesbian_leminist



Series: Let's Make Gilmore Girls Gay [4]
Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/F, a bit of angst, because what is teen romance without angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27796051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fesbian_leminist/pseuds/fesbian_leminist
Summary: Rory had always had Dean. She'd had him when Paris had fallen in love with her, when she'd realized what she was feeling. When they'd had their first kiss. She'd had Dean and Paris had always been fine with it. Had always been fine with what little time she got to spend with Rory.She wished that she could keep doing that. Wished that she could keep lying to herself about wanting more.
Relationships: Paris Geller/Rory Gilmore
Series: Let's Make Gilmore Girls Gay [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985360
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	It Would Be Nice If Loving You Didn't Hurt

“Are you going to start getting ready for your date with Jamie at some point? Happy to let you borrow some of my clothes if you're worried about what to wear.” Paris glared at Rory for a moment as he paced the room, quickly looking away as she saw the grin on her face. She had too much to think about right now. Couldn't afford to get distracted.

“You know, you could actually try and be helpful for once and come up with a way for me to get out of this. I know you like teasing me, but this might be a nice change of pace for you.” She hadn't wanted a date. She'd wanted to celebrate winning the debates. Wanted to make some kind of connection that might be useful at some point in her life. It was most of why she was in Washington, after all. Get connections, get something to show off when she was applying for college. Not dates.

“Well, you could tell him that you don't want it to be a date. Have you considered that option?” Paris glared again, her stomach twisting a bit as she saw that Rory was still grinning. It wasn't like she hadn't expected her to not make fun of her a bit. That was just who Rory was. She'd hoped for a little bit of annoyance at least, though. They'd spent every night here so far with each other. She would have been annoyed at Rory for leaving her alone. Didn't care how hypocritical that would have been.

“Oh that's brilliant. Wait till he gets here all ready to take me out on a date and tell him that actually we're just hanging just out. Just being buddies. I'm sure that'll go great.” Rory raised an eyebrow, and Paris suddenly felt a little bit deflated. She wasn't wrong. That was the mature thing to do. It was reasonable. She just didn't want to do it. “Could you just tell him I'm ill? I'll hide in the bathroom and you can just say I can't make it out. Say I've got food poisoning or something. Say sorry for me.”

“Paris...” Rory sighed, and Paris stared down at the ground, twisting the sole of her foot into it and clasping her hands behind her back. She couldn't do the puppy dog thing Rory could, but she could still try and look a pathetic. Could still get a bit of sympathy sometimes. “Fine. I'll help. Just… stop looking like that.” Paris looked up, grinning and running forward to hug her as she heard a knock at their door.

“Good. You just be pretty and wonderful like normal while I hide and he'll probably forget about ever wanting to date me in the first place.” She gave Rory a quick kiss before running into the bathroom. Waited till she heard Rory answering the door before making a loud retching sound. Seemed like the best way to sell the lie. Really put him off wanting to go on a date.

She retched a few more time before she heard the door close, sighing with relief as she left the bathroom and grinned at Rory, who was leaning against the door to their room and rolling her eyes.

“Do you have any idea how impressively disgusting you sounded in there? Barely had to say anything to get him to go. Though he did ask if you could drop by his room if you're feeling up to it.”

“I'm glad it worked. Figured I should help you if you were helping me. And, uh, that's nice, I suppose. Don't think I will be, but it's nice.” It really did seem like a nice sentiment, but things were awkward enough without the two of them seeing each other again. She wasn't great at keeping track of lies. Didn't want to risk being confused if he wanted to know whether she was feeling better.

“Don't think he's going to want another date after those noises, if that's what you're worried about. They were almost enough to put me off.” Paris pouted, sitting down on her bed and making her eyes as sas as she could. She'd never be as good as Rory, but it was still fun to make her roll her eyes like that. Still wonderful to make her grin. “God, I said almost. Almost. No need to look so wounded.”

“So close to being heartbroken. Don't know how I ever would have recovered from driving you away like that.” Not exactly a lie, but she was sure she'd read something about good comedy have an element of truth in it. Might as well see how that worked for her. “So, now that it's just us for the night, is there anything you'd like to do?”

“Well, I do have a few ideas...” Rory smirked, and Paris felt her face flush as she walked across and leaned over, fingers reaching forward and brushing through her hair. She was so pretty. So perfect. She just wanted to kiss her and hold her and- “How about we study for a while, then maybe watch a bit of TV before we go to bed. Sound fun?”

“I… uh… Yes.” Paris choked the words out, face flushing hotter as Rory giggled and sat on the bed across from her. They hadn't had much alone time together before this. Not many chances for fun. She didn't want it to end, no matter how many times it meant getting embarrassed by her like this.

“Good. Let's get into those books then.” Paris nodded, leaning down to her bag from the side of her bed as she heard Rory giggling again. “You're really cute when you blush. You know that?” She froze for a moment before grabbing a book and slowly lifting her head. Rory was staring at her. Smiling. Just a little bit of red in her cheeks. Paris could have stared at her forever. Could have been happy if she never got to see anything else in the world.

“So are you.” It was hard to get the words out. Hard to do anything other than whisper. It was worth it, though. Worth it to see Rory turn away. Worth it to see the sheepish little grin on her face.

She wondered if Dean saw the same things as her. If he could appreciate Rory anywhere near as much as she did.

She started reading. No need for this. Not when things were so nice.

~

Rory always felt so warm when she held her. Felt so comfortable. Paris liked the little moments they could steal away together, liked taking whatever chance they could to kiss or hold hands without anyone seeing. This was better, though. She hadn't been able to feel Rory cuddling her since their first night together. Hadn't felt her hand resting on her stomach. Hadn't felt her breath on the back of her neck.

Everything felt real when they were like this. Felt like it could last longer than this trip, so long as she didn't think about it too much. Didn't think about how Dean was waiting for Rory. How she could never actually have any kind of open life with Rory. How she'd never come first.

“You brooding over something? You feel like you're brooding.” Paris bit her lip, trying not to make a noise as Rory's fingers traced across her stomach. She wasn't sure if she liked how easily Rory could read her. Being known was good, being understood without saying anything was… It felt right. The fact that she couldn't do the same was the issue. Felt like a disadvantage. Like something was lacking in her.

“Nothing important. Just… This is nice. Just thinking about that.” Rory nuzzled into the back of her neck and she let out a sigh, twisting in her arms to face her. She couldn't take this any more. Couldn't deal with not saying something. “I'm thinking that I don't know when we'll get to do this again. When we'll get to be as close as this. That's what I'm brooding about.”

“Oh.” She stared at Rory, stomach twisting into a painful knot as she waited for something more. Waiting for some kind of a response beyond “Oh.” “Oh” wasn't good. Wasn't bad either. Wasn't anything. She hadn't had any other relationships but she was still reasonably sure of that. “I mean, we get little moments to ourselves back home. Get to be close then. That's nice, right?”

“It is, and it's also barely anything. I want more than the few minutes we can steal for ourselves during the week. More than the occasional study session. I want...” She trailed off, trying to look at anything other than Rory. It was hard to be mad when she saw her face. Hard to be anything but grateful for any chance to be with her. Hard to remember that she wanted something more. “I know we can't be open about this. I know we can't have what you have with Dean, but I...”

She trailed off again. She knew what she wanted. Wanted everyone to think they were such close friends when they were something more. She'd read about it. People who'd obviously spent their lives with the person they loved, even if the anyone who'd written about them seemed convinced they'd just spent a life with a friend. Paris could see it, even if they couldn't. They'd loved each other like she loved Rory. They'd wanted each other like she wanted Rory. It was in their letters, in everything people saw and didn't understand. They'd had everything she wanted and not even time had outed them to the world. It was perfect. It was beautiful.

It made sense to Paris. She'd heard what happened to people who were open about it. Cut off from their families, from their friends. Judged and hated and discarded. She couldn't do that. Couldn't face that, any more than she could face having to live her life with a man. So much better to have a secret life with the woman she loved, no matter what kind of lonely, pitiable spinster the world thought her to be.

She just didn't want to be something Rory kept on the side while she spent her life with Dean. Someone she came to visit when there was nothing else going on. Paris loved every moment they spent together. She cherished them. She just didn't think she'd be able to bear a life that was so much heartache cut together with such tiny moments of joy. She thought it would be easier to just be alone and become accustomed to pain than have it always feeling so fresh.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I don't want to hurt you.” She felt Rory's lips press against her forehead and realised that at some point she'd started crying. She quickly wiped her eyes, turning away and feeling her stomach drop. She should be happy right now. Should be glad to be spending time with Rory. Not wallowing in her own head like this.

“I know you don't. I know.” She sniffed, reaching up to the hand still sitting on her cheek and giving it a squeeze. Rory would never do something like that. Would never just try and hurt someone like she would. Rory was better than that. Better than her. “I'm sorry.”

“I'll make more time for you. Have you for sleepovers at my house more. I promise.” Paris felt Rory's hand pushing up through her hair and turned back to her, cheeks heating up a little as she saw her biting on her lip. “And, well… Maybe when we've got moments like this where no one's going to bother us for a while we could try and make it… special.”

“What… How? What?” She stared at Rory, feeling her own face start to burn as she watched hers redden. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing. I just… I'm not good at this. I don't know what we'd do or how to do it, but… you know...” Paris kept staring at her, not really noticing the hand moving down from her hair till it stopped just below her collarbone. “I don't know what base it would be, but I guess one of the latter ones?”

“What?” Paris kept staring, cocking her head as she tried to figure out why Rory would be talking about baseball with her before she felt fingers brushing against the top of her chest and squeaked. “Oh. Bases.”

“Yeah.” Rory wasn't meeting her gaze any more, staring down to the bottom of the bed as her hand stayed still at the top of her chest. “We don't have to do anything. I don't… If you don't want to do anything that's totally fine and I-”

“I do!” Paris almost shouted, quickly burying her face into the pillow when she heard how loud she'd been. “I do. Whatever it is I… I do.”

“Good. Good. I, uh… I know how I like to, you know, touch myself. Maybe… Maybe we should do stuff like that?” Paris nodded, face starting to burn as she turned back to Rory. It was good to see she looked just as embarrassed about this. That she wasn't alone here.

“Me too. I've… I've read stuff too. I've only ever found stuff about men and women but, you know. Can probably do some of it.” Rory nodded, and Paris grinned a little, lifting her hand to pull Rory's away from her. “I guess I should get undressed now, right?” Rory froze for a moment before nodding quickly, giving a little grin back to her as she stepped out the bed.

Paris started unbuttoning her top, nerves steadily building with each one. Part of her kept expecting this to be a joke. That Rory would burst out laughing the moment she was naked, because how could she had ever wanted to do this with her? How could anyone as wonderful as her? But then she looked up and saw the way she was staring as she let the top slip down. She slowly pulled down her pants, heart pounding as she pulled down her underwear with it. As she watched Rory staring at her naked body like it was the only thing in the world she cared about.

“So, what do you think?” Rory nodded, giving her another nervous grin as Paris slipped back under the covers. She pulled herself closer to Rory, heat flowing through her as she grabbed her hand and pressed it against her stomach. She felt Rory stiffen for a moment before her hand unclenched and her fingers brushed across her skin. “How do I feel?”

“Soft. You're… You're really soft.” Paris nodded, sucking air through her teeth as she felt her fingers moving carefully up towards her chest. “Can I just touch you for a while? I'll get undressed later, but… This is nice.”

“Yeah. Tha… That's fine.” Paris barely got the words out, shuddering and gasping as Rory reached the bottom of her chest, fingers tracing from side to side across her body. She squeezed her fists and let out a little moan as she finally moved up, as she finally touched her…. “I love you.” Rory leaned in and Paris closed her eyes, heat washing through her body as Rory kept touching her, as she starting kissing her and pushing up against her body. As she felt a thigh push up between her own. This was perfect. This was everything.

“I love you too.”

~

Rory was sleeping, snoring quietly in her face, arm draped over her side. She'd fallen asleep so quickly after they'd finished. Paris didn't know how. Her mind was racing and her heart was pounding and every time she felt like she might actually be getting tired she looked at Rory's face and thought about kissing her and touching her and…

Paris slowly slipped out of bed, trying her best not to disturb Rory. Though given that she slept like the dead, it wasn't too much of a worry. She thought she might just need a moment to herself. A chance to clear her head. She quietly moved across the room to the toilet and slowly closed the door behind her before letting out a long, low sigh.

She was still naked. She never slept naked or walked about naked but then she'd never had sex before. It felt right to still be naked right now. Was that normal? She'd never read anything about that but then again she hadn't found anything about gay sex yet. She was pretty sure that was what she'd just had. Once again, not like what anything she'd read about but it had definitely felt, well…

Paris felt her cheeks start to burn and looked into the mirror, the heat suddenly flushing through the rest of her body as she spotted a couple of little bruises on the side of her neck. She raised a hand to them, gently brushing her fingers across them, thinking about Rory kissing her neck before giggling. She didn't understand how anyone could do anything but have sex once they'd actually done it. How she'd ever be able to think about anything else.

It hadn't been perfect. She'd always had this idea that there'd be music and maybe some kind of fancy date before it. A nice meal. Flowers. This had been scary and awkward and… It had been wonderful. Rory had been so gentle and kind and eager and once they'd figured out what they were doing it had all just felt incredible. She shuddered, her skin tingling as she remembered Rory's hands moving all over across her body. As she remembered the noises Rory had made when she'd finally been able to touch her in return.

She was smiling. She was staring at herself in the mirror and she was smiling and she couldn't stop. That didn't happen. Everything else in her life was always hard. Always had something stopping her from ever really feeling satisfied with it. This was different. Rory had wanted her and she'd wanted her back and this was it. This is how she wanted to feel. This was what she wanted her life to be.

Honestly, if that wasn't perfect, what else could be?

  
  



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